OK, Let’s Talk.
We have a lot to do today. It’s a crowded room, the “Devil Went Down to Georgia” is playing on a radio and we are all gathered around a long, oak table in a cabin out there in the wilderness of New Jersey on Sunday, a few days after the incident in D.C., which some have called a riot, some a protest, and some said it was an attempted coup d’etat. I will be the moderator and I appreciate that you all could make it and I know some of you traveled from all around the country. So, let’s get to know the fine people who have agreed to meet here.
There’s Jake Angeli, a QAnon-supporter from Phoenix, who was the shirtless guy with the cool furry horns on his helmet who believes that Trump is God. A part-time actor the 32-year-old likes to call himself “QAnon Shaman” and says he can see into higher dimensions to detect pedophiles in government. That’s a relief.
I also see the man who has become an instant celeb for a photo taken of him wearing the “Camp Auschwitz” tee shirt but sorry I didn’t get your name and I wonder if you understand that Auschwitz is not something you put on a sandwich but was the scene of the worst slaughter in human history.
And Richard Barnett, 60, who hails from Gravette in the great state of Arkansas, that razorback haven, thanks for coming, I saw the photo of you kicking back and chilling in Pelosi’s office. I understand you say you’re a retired Memphis firefighter who has started a second amendment group, A NWA STAND!!! And yes, that is three exclamation points to show you that you really mean what you say even more than two exclamation points.
“You can leave the confederate flag in the corner, please,” I called out to the middle-aged man with a long grey beard who was wearing coveralls and a red, white and blue flannel shirt and came in carrying a huge Rebel flag and mumbling something about Robert E. Lee.
Back to the attendees. There’s Adam Johnson, 36, of Parrish, Fla., the dude who was wearing a ski hat when he got his two minutes of fame while grinning ear to ear and carrying away Pelosi’s lecturn. Adam Christian Johnson, I see you are a stay-at-home dad with five children and that your wife is a doctor and that you have been charged in the past with possession of marijuana and violation of probation charges for something.
Another fine fellow whose name I didn’t get is the patriot or criminal or seditioner, pick your poison, but he was the guy in the camo who was seen hanging from the balcony in the Senate chamber.
Welcome Derrick Evans, whose brief tenure as an esteemed West Virginia legislator ended with his resignation after he courageously and with great intelligence posted video of himself joining in the mayhem in the Capitol.
Evans had a brief political career as he was just elected in November to the West Virginia House and resigned after he posted his video. He was elected on his anti-abortion position and had a few problems during his campaign for being a member of a Facebofok group that used homophobic and Islamophobic language.
Before his momentary political career, Evans has been a high school teacher and football coach in Wayne County, coaching football at Tolsia High School from 2013 to 2017.
And next to Derrick is one of the darlings of the white nationalists, neo-Nazis, anti-Semites, Tim Gionet, better known as “Baked Alaska,” who livestreamed from the Capitol. He’s no dummy, having attended Azusa Pacific University, whatever that is, and graduating with a bachelor of science in marketing. He got the Baked Alaska nickname because he came from Alaska and liked to smoke pot, hence, baked Alaska. Despite posting two days prior about how he had tested positive for COVID-19, Gionet participated in the storming of the Capitol building and ain’t that just something.
And last but certainly not least is Nich Ochs, founder of the Hawaii chapter of the Proud Boys who posted a selfie smoking a cigarette inside the Capitol building. He graduated from the University of Hawaii at Mānoa with a bachelor of arts in journalism and claims to be a “professional journalist,” with an non-specific news organization.
Ochs ran unsuccessfully for the Hawaii House of Representatives last year and was the vice chair of Trump’s Hawaii campaign. As a Proud Boy, he dressed as Captain Hook to protest a move to rename Columbus Day as Indigenouse People’s Day in Hawaii. Cute.
A few groundrules for our discussion. No cursing, no name-calling, keep it civil and try to stick with the facts although I fully understand that may be an impossible task. So why did I ask you to come? So the question everybody is asking is “what do you want?”
We’ll start with Mr. Evans, who I understand is married to his mother.
“I want to make America great again,” said Evans. “I want my country back.”
“And what, may I ask, would make America great again?” I queried the youthful Evans.
“How about starting with kicking out every lousy immigrant from the country?” he said, to raucous cheers and fist stomping on the table from the others around the table, making it sound like feeding time at the zoo.
Moving along, it was Tim Gionet’s chance to comment and he railed against all the Jews in the U.S. and how they are controlling everything and ruining everything and should all be sent to Camp Auschwitz.
“Baked Alaska” was quite civil and politely raised his hand to be recognized and he said his goal was simply to make the U.S. once again Christian and to pass a law that barred abortion under any circumstances unless the father-to-be was a Democrat.
Adam Johnson, the patriot who carried away the podium, was still grinning when he said his life was complete now that he has personally soiled Nancy Pelosi and he said he had secretly always coveted her.
“Jake Angeli, you the man,” I spoke to him and mentioned how disappointed I was that he didn’t have his horns with him and everybody in the room cackled in laughter.
“I don’t know,”Angeli said, willing to admit that there were no simple answers to bringing the country back to a time that never was. “I just want a good country again and that means no niggers, no illegals, no Muslims and of course, no Jews and no faggots. That’s really not a lot to ask for.”
Finally, we heard from the “Camp Auschwitz” fellow whose platform I could guess included forced deportation of all Jews.
“I’m not a one issue guy,” the Auschwitz fellow tried to clarify. “I also want the police to clean up this country any way they can and I don’t care how rough they get, just do it.”
“OK, I would like to make a closing statement, if I may,” I said as the group became eerily silent and they all had looks of great expectation. “You are quite a group of Americans. First of all let me say that the intelligence in this room is lower than a rock. Next, you’re just a bunch of pissed off people looking for somebody to blame for your defeat and you probably had lousy childhoods with fathers who beat you black and blue.”
“But I don’t have any sympathy for you, especially because you put so much trust into Trump who claims he really won the election by hundreds of thousands of votes. Why do you believe that? Are you that stupid? You are all acting like lemmings being led to the cliff.
“I’m getting carried away,” I said as I prepared to conclude my statement. “Let me just say before we part that I hope each and every one of you develops COVID-19 and dies a very long, very slow and very painful death. And thanks for coming.”
And the entourage looked dumbfounded as they ambled away into the New Jersey night, their confederate flag in tow, as they each got into their pick ups and drove away, never to be seen again.