Setting The Record Straight
In an exclusive interview, shortly before his trial began before the Senate after his second impeachment, former, former, former President Donald Trump, his hair perfectly coiffed and combed over in his signature orange-blond hue, recalled the absolute, unparalleled perfection of his actions in the minutes and hours before the dreadful and wholly regrettable storming of the Capitol by no more than six people who stepped on some flowers but did no other damage and how he fought valiantly to avoid it but that it tragically ended in deaths and injuries and resulted in utterly groundless calls for his impeachment as part of the deep state plot and conviction from everybody with even half a brain and a smidgen of ethics and morality so that he can never hold political office again, even if it is as dog catcher for West Palm Beach, Fla., because that would be a grave insult to dogs.
“I had just completed my daily Zen and deep prayer meditation with my lovely, sexy, brilliant, loyal, trustworthy wife, Melania, and my wonderfully gifted and brilliant children, Donald Jr., Ivanka, Eric and Tiffany. As usual, they all beamed at me the way one beams to their creator. We love these moments to share and feel connected with each other. It is a time of great warmth and honest reflection that I initiated shortly after I was inaugurated before the largest audience ever in the history of humanity and more. As was our longstanding custom we gathered with our two schnauzers named Willie and Wanda and our newest addition, our tabby, that we named Tabby, and I poured my love and affection on these two pets of great warmth and wonder.
We were all especially solemn this morning because of concerns that were drummed up by the fake news that my calls for a transparent, honest recount of the election would be misunderstood as a sinister attempt to wrest the reigns of control and declare myself as leader for life along with Donald Jr., Melania, Ivanka, Eric and Tiffany in my cabinet. Nothing was further from my great and powerful mind that fateful day as I contemplated how I could best and totally unselfishly serve our new president, the wise and wonderful Joe Biden,who has always been a very close friend and I thought that whatever he wanted, all he had to do was ask because that’s just the way I am.
“I heard the crowd beckon for me and as I ambled to the podium and the beckoning intensified I could sense the anticipation and boundless love coming my way in a perfectly honest and spontaneous display of wonder toward me and I was overtaken with a sense of pride in being an American for all generations and the most accomplished and least bigoted president of all time and joy at all of the wonderful support I saw and I felt a surge of gratitude for all those who had stood by me during the past, turbulent four years in such a dignified way while the deep state rallied to defeat and destroy me and all the perfect goodness I have in my heart that I want to share with all of my minions.
I saw a large but incredibly peaceful gathering of tens of thousands of my supporters, carrying signs with words like “Donald We Love You” and “Donald We Love You” and “Donald We Love You,’ and it was probably the most peaceful gathering ever and many carried flowers and flashed the quaint peace signs from an earlier generation as they called for a peaceful orderly transition to the new administration. And I asked that they remain peaceful, even though some seemed intent on mayhem, a word that I learned just the other day while watching Fox. If I provoked the group, I provoked them to spread love and peace and to be very careful not to break any windows or doors in the Capitol and not to step on any flowers.
And you don’t know the depth of sadness and immediate horror that I felt when I saw a very tiny almost invisible group of my supporters begin to slowly and silently wind their way to the capitol and I called out, please, be peaceful when you demonstrate as you are permitted by the constitution of our great land and also tell Vice President Pence, if you see him, that I understand he had to vote with his conscience when he accepted the electoral vote totals and I told the crowd that I don’t think the vice president was a coward, just a small, misunderstood, misdirected, pathetic man and that he had a right to live like any other coward. Mike, you are a wonder of all wonders, maybe second only to me, my lovely, sexy wife, Melania and my wonderful and brilliant children, Donald Jr., Ivanka, Eric and Tiffany.
I attempted to scurry to the head of the very tiny group of protesters who were all very well groomed and to tell them they would have to go through my body if they wanted to carry out their thoroughly tasteless and unnecessary assault on the capitol. But as I stepped forward I was tackled and held by a Secret Service agent behind the podium and away from the adoring eyes of my followers. Stop, I said, stop, I must go and head off any mayhem but I could not loosen the grip of the Secret Service agent and by the time I was set free, the very small group of well-groomed followers had made it to the capitol where they chanted mantras and took selfies while being engrossed in the wonderful history of our great and glorious country. And then I immediately and quickly ordered that the National Guard and Capitol Police take steps in a little while or maybe after the very tiny mob had done their dirty business and broke windows and doors and took Nancy’s laptop and scared the beejeebies out of the congressmen who were cowering in fear, something that I have never done and will never do, being the incredibly courageous person that I am even though I was prevented from serving in the Army because of my debilitating bone spurs.
I know that there are some evil opponents out there who are spreading the lie that I was somehow pleased with the violence and that I intentionally delayed calling out the troops to quell the violence. That is absolutely not true and you can believe me on that. I cried that day not for myself because I am not important but for all of the people in our great and wonderful country. God bless you all and God bless America.”