0311blog

Don’t Turn Away

Nobody wants to talk about suicide and I understand it is a depressing topic and that people would rather get ready for spring and finally warm temperatures and finally seeing the backyard and finally thinking just maybe there will not be another snowstorm and that suicide is not welcome banter.

We’ll do just about anything to keep from talking about people who are contemplating suicide but I just saw a posting on Facebook that this is National Suicide Prevention month and I looked a bit further and found that this is not Suicide Prevention Month and that it was an old post and that Suicide Prevention Month is every September but suicide is an equal opportunity nightmare, regardless of the month, so I will talk about it now.

There are many people, men and women, young and old, in every culture and every ethnic group who right now are feeling so forlorn, who do not consider life to be a gift, or that they are unique and vibrant and they are in their darkened rooms, feeling trapped by a force over which they have no control and are at this moment, planning to kill themselves and to end their lives forever.

I’ve never wanted to kill myself, never felt so despondent, so melancholic, that the world was so bleak and dark and would always be that way, although I have had times of great despair but to end it all is so final, to state the obvious and I have always believed that today may be very, very bad but there’s a chance that tomorrow I’ll turn the corner and that is how it has worked out. Suicide takes away any chance and it must be unbearable for those who believe they will never turn that corner and that there is no way to find relief, other than suicide. People who are about to take their own life probably believe not only that it is the only road to relief from their pain but that they have no worth to others or to themselves and will not be missed and that is something I believe is one of the most important things to consider while thinking those darkest of thoughts in that darkest of rooms; everybody has somebody who cares about them, whether it is the homeless man living under newspapers in the gutter off West 33rd St. or the veteran whose post traumatic stress disorder seems like it will never release its claws or the person who seems to be popular and loved but secretly sees his life as a lie, that sees his true self in only the worst terms and can’t even visualize expressing such loathsome self-doubt and self-deception.

I have spoken about my periods of sadness with my therapist but never with family or friends and I am not sure why. I guess it seems to be a sign of weakness, a red flag that tells others that I am suffering, weak and nobody wants to hear about suffering. I imagine that if ever tried to comfort someone considering suicide I’d be met with the most unhelpful responses, like, “Hang it there, it gets better” or “Everybody feels low sometimes, you’re only human” or “You should get more exercise” or “look at people who have so much worse lives and they find a way to continue living.” I don’t think any of those words would help and in fact, I would feel completely impotent to respond to someone who said he was thinking of ending it all because I cannot fathom such hopelessness. After dropping a few overused words of hope, I would more likely want to run away because it is just too depressing to talk about depression and talking about it would leave me with a feeling to total helplessness over that ugliest of words, suicide.

Why does one person suffer a death of a child, a debilitating illness, a breakup of a marriage and that person finds the strength to move on while another person goes through the same misery and goes to the garage, turns on the car and gently leaves the world? I have no answers but there are therapists who I believe can help in those moments of excruciating pain and utter hopelessness. I understand that for some, an attempt at suicide is a cry for help but the reality is that it is an act that will eternally deny any help. For some, alcoholism or drug addiction leads to feelings of failure and pain that can be stopped only with death. Some suffer from psychosis where the nature of the illness tells the person there is no hope.

I cannot conceive of that moment of decision when a person is about to die of his own hand, an action that is preventable and one that negates everything I have learned about goodness and human worth. At its base, I believe that we were created for a reason and that reason is not to be destroyed. I believe every person deserves to live and that there is good in every life, though tragically too many people believe the opposite and that their lives are meaningless or worse.

I have to believe that suicide is not an option, no matter how bad things become and that it is totally contrary to everything I have ever been taught about the sanctity of life. Sure, I would rather talk about the Yankees and have good pizza and make love in the middle of the night and smile as my children succeed and thrill at riding my motorcycle and bathe in the warmth of a friendship. But there are many people who feel they have lost the ability to feel anything positive or healthy, leaving only one path open. I can only hope that people in the throes of such despair can find someone to speak with, a friend, a relative, a teacher, a therapist, because that is the only hope, being able to realize that every life is important and that people do have a choice in the quality of their lives and that there are people who care and can help. Everybody is different and everybody is the same and all I could tell a person who feels that life is too painful is that sadness and loss are a part of life no less than joy and success are also. I feel so totally at a loss to offer any words of hope but maybe it helps people to know that I care as do many, many others.

If you or someone you know is in an emergency, call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800–273-TALK (8255) or call 911 immediately.