Live From New York

It felt like I had reached into the refrigerator for the yogurt and found it was slimy and had a thick, yellow film on it and then going for the tofu and it also was slimy, outdated, green and inedible and then grabbing the bottle of Coke and finding someone left the cap off and it was flat and totally tasteless or stepping into my boots and getting stung by a spider or turning on the ignition on my Civic and hearing nothing or stubbing my toe on the side of the couch or feeling a sharp pain shooting up from my leg all the way up my back or feeling extremely constipated or getting a very deep splinter or getting a positive COVID-19 test or accidentally touching my eye after eating a piece of shrimp that had been dipped in the hottest hot sauce you can imagine or a note from the doctor that I need to have a colonoscopy every Friday morning.

That about explains how I felt upon reading that the disgraced, encourager of mob rebellion, the former, former, former president, “Old Agent Orange” himself, is planning a new social media platform. I expect it will be Rocky XXX Redux or a remake of a remake of a remake of the Poseidon Adventure or yet another Jumanji. I can only hope that Agent Orange’s latest attempt at defying and denying his own death will be as successful as the Edsel, Mike Tyson’s return to the ring, that historic cinematic flop “Catwoman” and the talent-compromised, “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” which I am sure you never even heard of, all rolled into one.

Will it be all talk or maybe Old Agent Orange will reveal his latent talent as a dapper, light on his toes, song and dance man and wouldn’t you pay to see him dressed in a tuxedo and tails, covered in tacky, fake diamond sequins, tight against his big butt and bulging stomach, tapping his cane while he trips the light fantastic, his tails flying akimbo as his comb over blows in the wind and Melania does a strip tease in the background while Ivanka pole dances. Maybe he’ll do a ventriloquist bit with Pence as his dummy and it will all be live from the federal prison in Yazoo City, Miss., with guest performances by Steve Bannon and the Bannyonettes and Ron Johnson and the Deniers.

Old Agent Orange will be the news anchor, co-hosted by Kid Rock on bad entertainment, Fruity Rudy on legal chicanery, Bernard B. Kerik on law and disorder and Michael Milken on the economy, with tantalizing tidbits about the former president’s latest pardon for John Wilkes Booth and posthumous pardons for Timothy McVeigh, Ted Bundy and Czar Nicholas II and plans to develop a presidential library that can fit in your pocket. And for the finale, the lights will be dimmed, the audience hushed and Old Agent Orange, with the spotlight on him and him only, belting out a rendition of “We Shall Overcome” backed up by the unabashedly wonderful Trumpettes. And the grand finale will be a star studded minstrel show led by those darlings of the right, “The Positively Proud Boys” in black face.

Actually with his less than stellar track record, I’m not really concerned that Agent Orange will make a big splash when he couldn’t get his wonderful wall built; he couldn’t dismantle the evil Obamacare program; he lost his battle to keep non-white people from coming the U.S.; his braggadocio plan for huge infrastructure improvements never happened; his tax cut only worsened the chasm between the haves and have nots; he certainly did not MAGA the country’ far from draining the swamp, he filled it to overflowing with his cronies and relatives; and by the way, he lost, lost, lost his reelection bid; and let’s not forget the mother of all failures, his mishandling or non-handling of the COVID-19 pandemic that cost thousands of American loves.

And he has done this before, you know, making huge, universe-shattering announcements like he will divulge his tax returns, he will show proof of Obama’s Muslim roots and he and only he alone can fix the problems facing us all. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice…

So am I really concerned that this will be different, that Agent Orange will roll up his sleeves, follow up with some real work and successfully create a new social platform that will rival Facebook, YouTube, Twitch, Snapchat, Gab, MeWe or Parler? As the famous, lovable goofball Alfred E. Neuman said famously, “What, me worry?”

Journalist for 40 years and now a creative writer