Superheroes To The Rescue

Conspirobuster is able to fly to all corners of the country and the globe, defanging and destroying the most annoying and deranged conspiracies in nano-seconds, using the most modern and up-to-date fact checking devices.

Novelaman can read at computer-like speeds and then relay vital knowledge to world leaders, with all information properly footnoted to show that it is not made up stuff, while the Novelaman also will turn the light on the need for better education wherever it may be failing, which is in many, many places.

Climatebuster can sweep all carbon based systems off of the earth and with one magical swipe of his mighty hands, create thousands upon thousands of windmills and other things that don’t wreck the planet.

Plaguewacker can do just what his name says, while warning everyone, everywhere to keep wearing masks and social distancing because even the Plaguewacker’s powers are not unlimited.

Raceeraserman does not erase races but he can quickly convince anyone of his or her subtle and not so subtle ways he or she expresses racism and make them anti-racists and possibly supporters of reparations for the hundreds of years of slavery, which ought to be labeled genocide.

In this time of a worldwide plague, QAnon and at a time when the country that has been largely invaded by aliens who recently attacked the Capitol, more than ever, we need superheroes.

God knows we have more than our share of super villains, all somehow related to that super of all super villains, the overweight blowhard with a combover. There are so many superheroes to pick from and all are super in their own way though some are made more super than others and that is a purely subjective matter.

Here are a few more that I would very much like to see so as to save us from ourselves and all those savages lurking around every dark corner.

Foodman uses super materials like seeds and branches that can generate food in any climate to as many people as need it and we are not talking about things like Big Macs and Whoppers but real, wholesome foods like potatoes and carrots.

BLMman is kind of a policeman over the police who can identify any policeman who is likely to single out people of color and either arrest them for imaginary offenses or kill them because he or she believes the world is made for white people. Then BLMman can turn these bad eggs quickly into old men who comb beaches for metal and who can’t cause any more harm.

Employeeman could consult with world, national, regional and local leaders and provide them with real solutions on how to create meaningful jobs and not just more in the service industry but jobs that truly lift a person’s esteem while providing a healthy, living wage.

Liquidman would fly deep into the clouds and shake and rattle and roll them to make it rain buckets in targeted areas like those stricken with the worst droughts ever.

Polman is the expert at making governments responsive to people and getting rid of totalitarian regimes that benefit mostly those in power and Polman has an uncanny ability to look a wannabe fascist in the eye and instantly have him join those other old men combing beaches for metals.

Povertyman is a mighty man or woman who can lift millions upon millions of people on his or her broad shoulders and out of poverty and then reach into the pockets of the rich throughout the world and pass the money out to those poor people he just rescued.

Godman, not to be confused with Arnold Goodman, is a superhero who would force all people to read the holy books of their respective religions and then take oaths not to twist and distort the holiest religious messages for selfish and hurtful gain.

Conflictman has a solution to all wars and he would put a special coating on all weapons, immediately converting them into edible chocolates and other tasty desserts that could not hurt anyone, other than to add a few pounds.

And one of the most important and significant and necessary superheroes is Baseballman who with the swat of his mighty bat makes the Yankees winner of the next 72 World Series.

That is not to say that I am dissing the popular superheroes because many of them do really good things.

In first place, I put Superman because he can fly, he can see through most anything except for lead and he can lift just about anything but there is the problem of Kryptonite and then there’s his costume, and he needs a remake because though I know it is his brand and he’s had it more than 83 years but it really is time for a change. I mean, red, tightie whities and a cape, and really, who wears capes anymore other than Dracula? If you don’t consider Kryptonite and those tacky duds, Superman has to be at the head of the class.

Not far behind is Doc Savage because while he is not as strong as superman and he can’t fly, he has near-superhuman abilities, including great strength and endurance, a photographic memory and a vast knowledge of the sciences, certainly a winning combination of favorable traits to make the world a healthier and safer place.

Another doc, Doctor Strange, has an impressive resume as he is a master of the mystical and the martial arts and has an assortment of mystical objects at his disposal, including the powerful Eye of Agamotto and Cloak of Levitation, which negates his inability to fly like Superman.

Now Batman and Robin are classified as superheroes but really, neither had super powers, although, yes, Batman is strong and yes, he has all kinds of cool gadgets, including a Batmobile, but he couldn’t last two minutes with Superman unless he had a handful of Kryptonite, which is unlikely because it is so rare, having landed on earth after Superman’s home planet blew up and scatted its bits throughout the universe.

But that doesn’t mean I would I would kick Batman and Robin out of my house because, though they might be considered second-tier superheroes they can still do some really good things in the interest of all mankind.

Journalist for 40 years and now a creative writer