0518blog
Nice to Meet You
Why was it always little green men and not gigantic purple women and why was it flying saucers and not flying teapots and why are the aliens most often pretty vile and aggressive and shoot out death rays and not more like Ghandi or my grandmother and hand out delicious strawberry cupcakes to the people of earth and why do they always travel at the speed of light when maybe, just maybe, their space ships are not all they are cracked up to be.
We may have the answers to many of these vexing questions that have perplexed and puzzled humanity since the dawn of time when the government releases a new report sometime in June on everything the government knows about UFOs. The report was commissioned under trump and that leads me to be just a tad suspicious but maybe the government will finally confirm, as I have long held, that having committed grave offenses, trump was exiled from the planet Zog in the galaxy of Zig, and that he arrived to earth on the same intergalactic space ship as the similarly exiled Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., who knows that the California wildfires were sparked with a laser fired from space by a Jewish-owned company and that NFL quarterback Baker Mayfield really did see a UFO while traveling home from dinner one March night, coincidentally a short time after he received his latest whack to the head by an oncoming 400 pound defensive tackle. Ever credible, Mayfield also believes in Sasquatch.
So will I trust the government to tell it to us straight about UFOs? In the immortal words of Dick Martin, you bet your sweet bippie I will believe because if you can’t trust trump, Greene and Mayfield, then who can you trust?
If aliens have been here or plan to come here, they will find the going tough because first, nobody will be very gracious and welcoming and as is their want, humanity’s first urge will be to immolate the aliens but that won’t work because the aliens are indestructible to anything we might throw at them and because they don’t feel pain and never die, in the sense we know about death. Also, nobody will believe they really are aliens from another planet, because humans are so cynical and will more likely see them as either political partisans or witting participants in the grand conspiracy of Democrats who eat babies and fix elections. Another matter to consider is why would the aliens want to visit anyway, as I would expect they would take one look around and power up their awesomely powerful engines and split because we are not exactly the poster boy planet for love and peace, sound thinking and planning and I would warn any arriving aliens that they should be careful what they read and who they speak with, specifically not to use Google.
I wonder what aliens look like and whether we would be able to differentiate aliens from different worlds or just lump them all together and say that all aliens look the same. They may be green or chartreuse or they may be transparent, in which case it would be very hard to tell the difference between aliens from different planets. Do they wear clothes and if so, do their fashions change all the time so that their alien clothing manufactures can make more money and while I’m at it, do they even have money or have they learned that they must all share or they will all perish or maybe just be forced to flee to places like earth to start a new life. And maybe they have six or even more sexes and they multiply by speaking kindly to each other and humming alien tunes.
Another question is why would aliens be so secretive when they presumably are really advanced in terms of technology and space travel and probably also can take care of themselves against the comparatively helpless and backward human race. The answer may be that aliens have been among us for thousands of years, as they blend into the general population becoming minority leaders in congress and other posts where they can influence and conquer without firing one, single laser beam. While I’m on the subject, if I was a visiting alien I would put humanity out of its misery and help us all just to start over and I wonder what life was like for the aliens on their home turf and whether they left for greener pastures or were just curious creatures who were on vacation and wanted to take the family on a long distance tour or maybe they were running out of food and came here for our literal green pastures. I wonder if they kill each other, subject their enemies to waterboarding or whether they even have enemies where they come from and maybe they’ve found a way to maintain friendships with all of their fellow aliens and I wonder if they’ve visited other planets and learned whether they as aliens are the rule and not the exception when it comes to non-violence and peaceful demeanor and I would think they would find that most of the rest of the creatures populating the galaxies are more like them, peaceful, caring aliens, than like this race of earthlings who have practiced and honed the act of destruction to a fine art. In that case, a mercy killing is in order, followed by a new beginning that prohibits Republicans. We could certainly learn a lot from any visiting aliens but that probably won’t happen because we’ll probably kill them before they have a chance to communicate with us.
So stay tuned for the coming government report which was included in last year’s $2.3 trillion appropriations bill and requires the director of national intelligence to work with the secretary of defense on a “detailed analysis of unidentified aerial phenomena data and intelligence” gathered by the Office of Naval Intelligence, the Unidentified Aerial Phenomena Task Force and the FBI. I can’t wait.