0604BLOG
Just Go Away
How do you spell irrelevant, you spell it P-E-N-C-E. How do you spell spineless, spell it P-E-N-C-E. And how do you spell diabolically. interminably boring, that’s right, it’s P-E-N-C-E.
After removing the tire marks on his back that came from being pushed under the bus by trump during the riot at the capitol, Pence is on the campaign trail looking to seize the 2024 presidential nomination unless trump or Mrs. Pence says he can’t have it or the country just falls asleep first.
To me, the high point of Pence’s tenure came when that audacious and courageous little fly alighted on the then-vice president’s silver-haired head for a long snooze during last year’s vice presidential debate, which was something I wanted to do, also, not sit on Pence’s head but take a nap to escape the debate and its infernal absurdity and irrelevance. I love that fly and if he was here I would give him a big, wet kiss on the antennae.
In British currency, pence is the plural of penny and converted into U.S. currency, two British pence are worth about 3.2 cents in the U.S. The surname Pence was originally derived from the Old English words “penn,” meaning an area that housed stray animals. So Mike Pence is a barely worthless keeper of stray animals. Hmmm.
Pence has signed a multimillion-dollar, two-book deal with publisher Simon & Schuster and boy won’t that be a blockbuster that will keep you on the seat of your pants and it promises to be just as exciting as Rocky XXX or that gigantic hit about paint drying.
Meanwhile the government has released a long-awaited report on extraterrestrial activity and unexplained aerial events. Extraterrestrials, Pence, could there be a connection, I would think so, although, after years of seat of the pants anticipation, I would be utterly disappointed if visiting aliens were about as exciting as a flat tire or as exciting as Pence, for that matter. What if they are planning to drop pods ala “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” and every pod looks exactly like Pence and every pod refuses to be in the same room with a female unless Mrs. Pence is there also. The inhumanity of it.
About that bus incident, Pence lived up to his reputation for being able to speak without uttering any words of any meaning whatsoever. If you don’t recall, trump lovers, while storming the capitol were heard screaming “hang Pence” because trump had blamed Pence, claiming the vice president could have certified the election for trump, even though in reality, on this world, Pence had no choice but to certify that Joe Biden won and that trump lost and that caused every vein on trump’s orange haired body to bulge to near explosion. And while Pence and other members of Congress were scurrying away to a secure area, violent rioters were wreaking havoc that results in dozens of injuries, deaths and subsequently of hundreds of arrests.
Shortly after the riot, Pence was reportedly “furious,” although such a show of raw emotion is impossible to picture and later Pence tweeted that “Peaceful protest is the right of every American but this attack on our Capitol will not be tolerated and those involved will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” Now that is one gutsy position to take and one that made the entire civilized world yawn and then move on to the bathroom.
Unlike the saccharin, lily-livered, jellyfish we’ve all come to know, we saw a different Pence during his latest campaign appearance at the Hillsborough County GOP’s annual Lincoln-Reagan Dinner in Manchester, N.H. In speaking to fellow Republicans, who are mostly still huge trumpers for reasons that cannot be explained in logical terms, Pence addressed the insurrection head on and said boldly that he and trump still do not “see eye to eye” on the insurrection. “Eye to eye?” Excuse me, trump urged his minions to attack the capitol, trump watched the developing riot on TV while deferring on making a public statement to stop the violence, trump continues to maintain the uprising was nothing more serious than a school trip and the only thing Pence can say is that he and his former jailer don’t “see eye to eye.”
But that wasn’t all as Pence wasn’t done and he called the assault “a dark day” and “one tragic day” but warned his fellow Republicans not to forget that Democrats are using the insurrection to divide the GOP, not mentioning that his GOP colleagues in the Senate were staggeringly ethically-challenged when they voted against any investigation into the assault and the events leading up to it and the people involved, like trump.
“And I will not allow Democrats or their allies in the media to use one tragic day to discredit the aspirations of millions of Americans,” Pence told the Republican gathering trying for all the world to keep from snickering over his nonsenical reasoning that was more befitting the Mad Hatter.
He sniveled to the gathering that they must not give up the good fight and must continue to oppose Biden’s plans to impose a “radical agenda” on god-fearing Americans that includes keeping unmarried adults apart, and teaching students about critical race theory and the “left wing myth of systemic racism.” There is definitely a myth of systemic racism, only that is on that parallel and opposite universe from where Pence comes from. And when he says “radical agenda,” he is undoubtedly referring to anyone who doesn’t get a hair cut five times a week.
Pence was dressed in his trademark suit and tie and reportedly showers in such apparel to continue the mystique that he is a modest man who likes mice. I miss him as much as I miss boil-lancing.