0917blog

Things I would Rather Do

Let’s say I was awakened by the most gruesome, blood-curdling roar you could imagine and looked out my window to see herds upon herds of Tyrannosaurus Rexes destroying every home and throwing cars like matchsticks hither and yon while leaving wakes of utter and horrible destruction as flocks of Pterodactyls with rows of razor-sharp teeth descend on the land, snatching babies from strollers while their mother stand frozen in helplessness and horror.

Four more years of Trump would be worse.

Here are a few other things I would endure rather than have to live through four more years of Trump, believe it or not:

A season ticket to the Mets.

Tintinitus that got maddeningly worse by the second.

Nuclear war.

Stabbing myself every morning with a pencil.

Weekly colonoscopies without anesthesia.

Nightly area planning and zoning board meetings.

Re-runs upon re-runs upon re-runs of The Brady Bunch, Green Acres and Teletubbies.

Radio stations that only play music by Justin Bieber and Adele.

An old girlfriend introducing me to the child I never knew I had.

Four days and nights with a group of men with beer bellies and grubby beards watching FOX and dancing around wearing MAGA hats followed by months of shopping trips to Walmart.

A meteor is on the way.

I’m forced to register as a Republican.

Being buried alive.

Being burned alive.

Being trapped under ice for eternity.

A zombie apocalypse.

Seeing a tornado approaching or an earthquake or a tsunami while I’m in the middle of a triple root canal.

The discovery that I am married to Hillary Clinton and Bill is my uncle and Chris Christie is my stepson.

Seeing Chris Christie in a Speedo.

Listening to Chris Christie at karaoke.

Seeing Chris Christie doing virtually anything.

Multiple tapeworms.

Seeing a unending loop video of my parents having sex or your parents having sex or anyone’s parents having sex.

Having dinner for nine straight nights with Nicki Minaj and on successive nights with Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz followed by months of breakfasts with members of Boko Haram.

Eternal brain freeze.

Living with Dinmukhamed Kanatuly Kudaibergenov, commonly known as Dimash Kudaibergen.

Living in Wayne, Dumont, Tenafly or Syria.

Waking up to find you are covered in praying mantises and leeches.

And here are things that would be better if Trump is re-elected: