Be Real

All you flat-earthers and other mad election conspiracists, I say you are buggy.

Please try to deal with the facts, please, just the proven facts, m’am, just the facts that have not been debunked.

Just because you don’t fall off the earth doesn’t mean it’s flat. And you can chant all the claims that photos of an egg-shaped earth are ginned up as part of the conspiracy that includes manipulators from every corner of the globe. And really, if you believe the election was rigged then you have to believe that all of the judges who have tossed Fruity Rudy’s claims are in cahoots and part of some big Democratic cabal that includes Republicans and Democrats.

And if you think that cannibalistic pedophiles are being led by Hillary Clinton and George Soros, then you have been reading too many Steven King books. And while I’m on the subject of debunking absurd conspiracy theories, Jeffrey Epstein and Bill Clinton did not cavort with nubile teen age girls; Paul McCartney is not and never was dead, yet; Adolph Hitler did not escape Nazi Germany and has been running a small hardware story in Miami ever since; the Protocols of Zion was not a proven handbook for anti-Semites; and Elvis was recently seen shuffling along with his walker in a nursing home in Camden.

Which gets me to flying, which is actually one of the factually proven, real conspiracies. I have had an ongoing internal battle over what I see and what I am told. I believe what I can see, feel, smell, taste and touch. I drop a rock or even a feather and it will fall to the ground so therefore, ipso facto, if I drop a 100-ton airplane it too will crash to the ground. I wasn’t always fearful of flying, in fact, my first few flights were quite pleasant until they weren’t and I was suddenly terrorized by the thought of flying.

I remember asking a flight attendant who used to be a stewardess about whether I should worry every time the gigantic jet flying at a million miles an hour, bumped in turbulence. And I remember being told that flying is safer than driving and I remember thinking there is no such thing as a fender bender when a gigantic jetliner the size of a fleet of Cadillacs, crashes like a fireball to the ground.

So nobody is going to convince me that a plane can actually fly even though it really looks that way. I know they are hiding something. There’s something going on, maybe it’s mass hypnosis or they’re doing something with the air in the plane, I don’t know but I do know that a rock can’t fly and a plane is heavier than a rock.

And while I’m at it, yes, Lee Harvey Oswald was not a lone gunman but was part of a worldwide plot that was drafted by the Russians and LBJ. I just know it because one person couldn’t nail the leader of the free world if he was acting alone. I just know it because the president is the most guarded person in the world. And yes, I know that the Warren Commission spent years and millions of dollars and predictably, found no conspiracy. But guess who the president was at the time the Warren Commission was “investigating” the assassination, none other than LBJ who was in cahoots with other world leaders to take the reigns of government away from the uber rich, overly-liberal, Catholic, anti-Vietnam War John F. Kennedy who was planning to run the country for the next century with his relatives.

And also, yes, the first fight between Cassius Clay, later to be Muhammad Ali, and Sonny Liston was fixed and how do I know, I just look at the TV footage of the fight and anyone can see it was fixed, even though it has never been proven because the provers have too much to lose by admitting the fix was in.

I rest my case.



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Phil Garber

Phil Garber

Journalist for 40 years and now a creative writer