A Lost Life
Every summer afternoon, whether it was 80 degrees or 110 degrees, Fred and I would walk a mile or so to Petruska Park to shag flies, even in a slight rain.
Fred would hit and I’d be in the field and he could hit the ball a mile. Then we’d switch and keep doing it for hours or until it started to get dark. We were probably 14 or 15 years old and playing baseball never got old, even though neither of us was that good.
Those were the good days before Fred’s schizophrenia surfaced and gradually led him down a nightmarish path. I did not remain friends with him in the years when his illness got bad and I still feel guilty about it.
Fred and I were part of a group of five or six teenage friends. After high school graduation, one moved to Alabama where he hoped to be accepted to dental school. Another relocated to Ohio where he got a law degree. Another married and has two children and I’ve lost touch with the others.
But Fred’s life went nowhere but down.
I still feel guilty that I abandoned him but I feared for myself and my family as he would go into rages and threaten people he imagined to be against him. And when the rages stopped, he was back to being the Fred, who was once my closest friend. When the rage subsided, it was still Fred who needed comfort and warmth that I could no longer offer.
That is the way it goes with people with mental illnesses. The illness pushes people away. Friends stop being friends, leaving the afflicted alone, angry and confused as he only gets sicker.
Fred and I met in junior high school and hit it off right away. His family had just moved to the area from the Bronx. He was fun, he laughed, he was smart and he liked the same things that I liked, such as baseball. I’d go over to his house regularly where we’d lift weights or watch TV or just fool around.
Early on I knew there was something wrong at his home. Sometimes I’d arrive and his mother would poke her head out and just say that Fred couldn’t come out that day and quickly shut the door. His father, a dentist, had a fierce temper and regularly hit Fred. His mother, a psychologist, seemed to be fairly unhinged. He had a sister who seemed pretty normal, under the circumstances.
Fred was good looking but never dated In high school. Other students made fun of him and called him “Clowny” because he wore unstylish, baggy pants. I wanted to be with the in-crowd and I’m ashamed to say I started to avoid him in high school. But after school, we were still tight.
After graduation, most of us in the gang went to college, including Fred. He lasted just a semester at Fairleigh Dickinson and that’s when he started getting sick. He tried to reconnect with a girl he had known in grade school in the Bronx. They dated for a few months before she ended it.
The next I heard was that Fred had gone to California to attend the funeral of Leo Gorcey, one of the original Bowery Boys. I knew he’d been a fan of the show but it struck me as very odd. That was in June 1969. Fred was always idiosynchratic so I didn’t think it was more than Fred being Fred.
Fred wanted to be an actor. He was very good at impersonations. He returned to live in California where he tried to get into acting. I didn’t hear from him until he returned a year later and reconnected with me.
He said he had gotten a few jobs as extras in TV shows. He also told me he had found Jesus and took to quoting scripture. Quite a change for a Jewish boy from the Bronx. He had started ranting about the evils of the world. He had a weird laugh and Fred was obviously off.
Once home, he got in a fist fight with his father. His sister moved out and left no forwarding address and the family got a restraining order to keep Fred away. Around the same time, Fred got into an argument with another longtime friend and threatened his wife. That ended that friendship and the former friend changed his number to a unlisted one.
The next I knew was I got a call from Fred at Bergen Pines Hospital. He had been hit by a car while crossing a street, breaking both legs. I think he intentionally stepped in front of the car. I visited him and he was in and out of lucidity, one second talking about our friendship and the next about people he wanted to kill.
This was during a period when Fred was in and out of psych hospitals. Every few months, I’d get collect calls from Fred at the hospitals but I wouldn’t accept the charges.
One time, when he had been discharged, he surprised me with a visit to my home in Budd Lake. By now I was married and had a child. I tried to humor Fred but wanted nothing to do with him because I feared him and because he was so obviously crazy. I felt badly but not bad enough to keep the friendship afloat.
A few days later I got a call from the local police chief, who was my friend. He said he had gotten an anonymous call from someone who claimed to have information showing that I was a pedophile. I told the chief that I knew the caller and that I was not a pedophile. Nothing more was said about it, but that gave me another reason to cut any ties with Fred.
His calls got less and less frequent and I last heard from him probably five years ago. He was in his mid-60s. It was a collect call that I refused to accept.
The nature of his sickness made it impossible for us to talk about our relationship and why it died. Fred believed I was and probably thinks I still am, his best friend. I was his best friend once but I’m not willing to be his friend anymore.
The Mayo Clinic notes that schizophrenia involves a range of problems with thinking, behavior and emotions. Signs and symptoms usually involve delusions, hallucinations or disorganized speech, and reflect an impaired ability to function.
Symptoms can vary in type and severity over time, with periods of worsening and remission of symptoms. Some symptoms may always be present.
In men, symptoms typically start in the early to mid-20s. In women, symptoms typically begin in the late 20s.
Schizophrenia symptoms in teenagers are similar to those in adults, but the condition may be more difficult to recognize. Some of the early symptoms of schizophrenia in teenagers are common for typical development during teen years. They include withdrawal from friends and family, a drop in performance at school, trouble sleeping, irritability or depressed mood and lack of motivation.
Recreational substance use, such as marijuana, methamphetamines or LSD, also can sometimes cause similar signs and symptoms.
The causes of schizophrenia are not known but researchers believe genetics, brain chemistry and environment contribute to development of the disorder.
Left untreated, schizophrenia can lead to suicide, suicide attempts and thoughts of suicide; anxiety disorders and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD); depression; substance abuse; inability to work or attend school; financial problems and homelessness; social isolation; health and medical problems; being victimized; and though uncommon, aggressive behavior.
Medications are the basis of schizophrenia treatment, and antipsychotic medications are the most commonly prescribed drugs. Psychiatrists may try different drugs, different doses or combinations over time.
But people with schizophrenia may stop taking medications because of the serious side effects. Or they may feel relief from the drugs and stop taking them, only to soon decompensate.