Damn your Internet

Take two.

In the midst of a rant over the loss of my Internet connection my screen froze. Can it be that I have overstepped my bounds by complaining about the Internet? Is somebody or something listening? There is nothing as disconcerting, as disassembling, as losing a connection.

I will not be cowed. A sense of existential dread enveloped me when the Internet went down. And then I saw the dreaded hourglass looking at me as if saying, “You have no power over me. I am in control.”

I control the vertical, I control the horizontal. Welcome to the No Internet Zone. You can yell and scream and stomp your feet but it will be to no avail in the No Internet Zone.

Who are you, you faceless, nameless creatures who control the cloud and in turn, my life? You who have taken my You Tube, my g-mail, my Facebook. Oh, does your cruelty know no limit? Does your hatred of all that is good know no limits? Are you so Godless as to take away all that is sacred? Do you really believe you can be the power that controls lives? God is listening.

You who control my life, who are you? Are you a series of zeroes and ones that are so devoid of emotion but so much a force in the world? Who made you? And how were they able to gather so much control over the lives of so many? Are you of this world or from some other place that we can not even begin to understand? Maybe Mars or Pluto.

And are you even listening or do you consider my complaints as a gnat that needs to be slapped away? I will tell you this, I am no gnat. And I will not be slapped away.

There was a time when you did not exist. You were not even a thought. And somehow, some way, we survived and even persevered. We were living very fine lives, thank you. Without you, we didn’t perish, we didn’t flounder into oblivion. We lived and we will continue to live, with or without you, my dear, Satanic Internet.

Yes, it would be difficult without you. How would I find out how to build a raised garden? How would I see that video interview of W.C. Fields’ grandson?

And Facebook, my dear Facebook. You are my link to the world. Without my virtual friends, I would have no friends, nobody to like, nobody to message.

Take three.

OK, I give up. You have control and obviously you are very sensitive to criticism. In the middle of my second rant, you froze me again. I assume your are listening. But are you happy? Will all the power you have created bring you happiness? You will never know the joy of human contact, of seeing a child’s eyes widen with excitement and love, of the incredible wonder of touch on touch, of orgasm. No these things will never by yours. Ever.

I admit I will be lonely without you. Though I curse you and I rail against your existence, I need you. I need you to show me the Mexican dish that someone made. And I need you to help me to find the quickest way around traffic. And I need you to tell me just how many steps I stepped today.

But sometimes, yes, I do question if you are even needed. Would my life be better without you? I am sorry to tell you but yes, I think about these things and yes, I believe that the world would be a better place without you. There I said it. Now what will you do, you who holds the controls.

OK , I‘ve been frozen again. But I am numb to all of your assaults. You mean nothing to me any more. I have seen you and I know what your are. You are nothing. You are of no consequence and I hope you rot in hell.

Oh my God, the Internet is back. You are back in all of your glory. Your warmth is nectar to me . Your words are like those of the Gods. I am so happy, so fulfilled, so complete now that you have returned.

And I am sorry for all those hurtful things I said. Can I Google again, oh please let me Google again.