Enjoying the Best Life
Money Can Buy
I have more money than I could possibly ever spend but I won’t give up trying and that is why I am reserving a junior suite, for just $112,000, for the maiden, 274-day, “Ultimate World Cruise” aboard the Serenade of the Sea which will take me to 65 countries and 11 world wonders and I could have saved a bit by booking the $61,000 interior state room but I have the money and don’t have to scrimp. We set sail in 2023 and I hope the onboard movies aren’t “The Poisedon Adventure,” “The Titanic” or the 1944 “Lifeboat,” which was actually a great movie directed by Alfred Hitchcock and starring Tallulah Bankhead, William Bendix, Walter Slevak, John Hodiak, Hume Cronin and Canada Lee.
Before we leave, I plan on getting in shape by daily jogging in my red and white, Nike Air Ships sneakers that Michael Jordan wore during his fifth NBA game in his rookie season with the Chicago Bulls on Nov. 1, 1984. I bought them at a Sotheby auction for $1.5 million although CNN incorrectly reported that I paid $1.47 million but I wouldn’t quibble over a mere $300,000, chump change to a guy like me. I will very likely donate to charity the first pair of Jordan sneakers that I bought at a Christie’s auction for $615,000 last year. On second thought, I may need that second pair. And I don’t think I’m being grossly extravagant as I did not even put in a bid in April for a pair of Kanye West’s first pair of Yeezys, black leather high-tops worn by the rapper to the Grammys in 2008. They went for $1.8 million, which I think is just obscene.
And regarding the cruise, I plan to make the announcement to a few friends who will toddle over to my pad where we can celebrate over a bottle of 1947 French Cheval-Blanc which I bought from a private collector in 2010 for $304,375 at a Christie’s auction in Geneva. I have been saving it for a special occasion like this but I will have to retrieve it from my wine cellar where my stash is considered, well, quite valuable. And on the way, you will just have to take a moment in the special, air temperature controlled gallery where I have added Leonardo DaVinci’s painting of Salvator Mundi. I bought it from a fellow collector, Dmitry Rybolovlev, in 2017 for $486.6 million and I believe that was a bargain because the painting by the Italian master was believed to have been destroyed until it was rediscovered in 2005. I can see it only twice a year because of the temperature controls but at least I can see it and the best thing is that I can tell my friends, and I use the phrase loosely, that I have the masterpiece.
And how else will I get ready? I hope that I am not so terribly nervous to get gastrointestinal distress and have to make multiple visits to my 24 karat gold bathtub, which I bought from Mike Tyson, which the former heavyweight champ had purchased for his former wife, Robin Givens, for a little over $2.2 million. OK, it may sound pricey but you do spend a lot of time on the pot and I do not like cold porcelain so why not have a nice one and it is no more excessive than the comic book collection that Nicolas Cage bought for $1.6 million, the dog house Paris Hilton picked up for $321,900 or Lady Gaga’s ghost detection machine that Ms. Gaga secured for $49,600, so don’t tell me that I am a profligate spender.
And finally, yes, I do admit to having a bit of the improvident spending as I have employed several “Grooms of Stool,” as King Henry VII of England called the servants whose job was to wipe the royal bottom after he went to the bathroom. The king had all four of his Grooms of Stool knighted and because I am not of royalty the best I can do is pay my grooms well and offer them anything they want, within reason. And no I did not procure the most expensive toilet around and that would be the one on the International Space Station which cost $19 million to make. Spending $19 million on a toilet would be the epitome of overindulgence. Instead, with an eye toward savings and frugality, I laid out $5 million, which means nothing to me, for a Hang Fung Golden Toilet, built by the Hang Fung Gold Technology Group of Hong Kong. I would be lying if I told you that relaxing on a golden toilet made me more regular but it hasn’t, sadly. Maybe my grooms need to work harder.
So I am poised for my trip and friends have asked me why I don’t just sail around the world in my “History Supreme” yacht which I picked up for a steal for $4.8 billion from Malaysian billionaire, Robert Knok. It is my greatest treasure as the world’s most expensive and largest superyacht at 100 feet long. It took three years to build and includes 10,000 kilograms of solid gold and platinum, adorning the dining area, deck, rails, staircases and get this, a gold anchor and I bet you don’t have a gold anchor. The master suite, which I prefer, features a meteorite rock wall, a statue made of real Tyrannosaurus Rex bones, a 68 kg 24-carat gold Aquavista Panoramic Wall Aquarium, and a liquor bottle adorned with a rare 18.5-carat diamond.
My trip sets sail on Dec. 10, 2023, and I will be returning on Sept. 10, 2024. The journey includes stops at just about every iconic tourist draw on the planet, including Mount Fuji, the Taj Mahal, the Great Barrier Reef, Chichen Itza, Machu Picchu, the Blue Lagoon and the Great Wall of China and many more although I have been to each at least twice. I will be one of 2,100 passengers who will be served and made safe by nearly 900 crew members. The ship includes a theater, a spa and a fitness center, mini golf, rock climbing and singalong parties, a nightclub, card room and game show plus guest lectures and classes on cupcake-making, scrapbooking, dancing, sushi and foreign languages, among others and I can’t wait for the cupcakes.
All that I can say is that I have always had a curiosity about the plebian life and the notion of rubbing shoulders with common folk is intriguing and potentially educational and that is how I will view my adventure. And if the cruise does not fit my fancy, I will have my “History Supreme” trailing in the wake, just in case.
So I assume you are wondering if I feel guilty about being so filthy rich that I can buy gold bathtubs and hire people to wipe me clean and the answer if that yes, I feel guilty and that is why I donate to the Salvation Army, when I think of it.