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Rock Dwellers

It was a moment of pure rapture in the classic “A Christmas Story,” as Ralphie snaps and could take no more and beats the snot out of neighborhood bully, Scut Farkus, while his capo, Grover Dill, watches frozen in horror thinking he could be next.

Obviously, President (Misery) Trump is a reincarnation of Scut Farkas and Grover Dill has morphed into Michael R. Caputo. Wouldn’t it be great fun to watch them both cry and get their big, fat butts kicked in real life by Nancy Pelosi.

Speaking of butts, just like Hitler’s top guy, Herman Goering, President Misery has a huge butt. Just saying. But I digress.

Who, you may ask, is Michael R. Caputo and what rock did he crawl out from under and who cares? It is a really, really big rock and Caputo shared subterranean accommodations with his buds, convicted felons Roger Stone and Paul Manafort.

This is why you should care.

Caputo, 58, is the Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs and spokesman for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), whose motto is “Improving the health, safety, and well-being of America.”

HHS is in charge of the country’s COVID-19 program and President Misery has been relentless in criticizing his own scientists, while claiming that he is a champion of the “health, safety and well-being of America” and has poo pooed the need to wear protective masks while the COVID-19 pandemic has infected 6.57 million Americans and killed 194,000 of them.

So Caputo is the HHS mouthpiece for President Misery and Caputo has lately taken to warning that if President Misery wins re-election, the good people of America should get their guns to be braced for armed revolution by the Biden-Commie-Socialist-Intafa-Leftie-Democrats.

Really. In a 26-minute rant on Facebook, this major figure in the Misery administration talked about the coming revolution and the deep state anti-Trump officials who allegedly continue to stoke public fear over the COVID-19 pandemic.

“If you carry guns, buy ammunition, ladies and gentlemen, because it’s going to be hard to get,” Caputo said on Faecbook.

The former subterranean rock resident went on to predict that President Misery will be re-elected but that Joe Biden will refuse to concede, leading to violence.

“And when Donald Trump refuses to stand down at the inauguration, the shooting will begin,” Caputo said. “The drills that you’ve seen are nothing.”

If that’s not enough, Caputo has outlined a left-wing plot to damage Trump supporters, claiming with no facts but his solemn word, that the murder of a Trump supporter in Portland, Ore., in August was the left wing getting ready for the real war to begin.

“Remember the Trump supporter who was shot and killed?” Caputo said. “That was a drill.”

Michael Forest Reinoehl, the man suspected of shooting the Trump supporter, was later killed by federal officers.

He “went down fighting,” said Caputo. “Why? Because he couldn’t say what he had inside him.”

Similar threats of warning about an alleged insurrection by the cry baby Democrats came from Roger Stone, whose 40-month prison sentence for lying to congress was commuted by President Misery. Stone told the somewhat suspect conspiracy website “Infowars” that President Misery should consider declaring martial law if he lost re-election.

And what a surprise that President Misery had said nothing about the inflammatory comments by Caputo and Stone.

And if you don’t think millions of Trump zombies aren’t listening to every word of this and eating this stuff up like the dreaded Kool Aid, think again. It is really serious for the president’s spokesman to warn that the Democrats will start armed revolution if they lose. Did I really have to say that?

Here’s a little bit of background about Grover Dill, I mean, Caputo.

The Health and Human Services website refers to Caputo as a “30-year communications counselor,” film maker, author and a media commentator. There is just a bit more to the story.

He was appointed to the post in April, even though he had no background in health care. Caputo worked under the Reagan Administration with Oliver North, who orchestrated the infamous Iran-Contra affair. He later was media director for the campaign of President George H.W. Bush.

Then the story gets interesting. Caputo moved to Russia in 1994, after the fall of the Soviet Union, and was an adviser to Russian president Boris Yeltsin. He worked for Gazprom Media in 2000 where he worked on improving the image of Vladimir Putin in the U.S. He moved back to the U.S. and founded a public relations company, and then moved to Ukraine to work on a candidate’s campaign for parliament.

Caputo worked for President Misery’s 2016 presidential campaign and was later investigated by the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence as part of its investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election.

Caputo also was the campaign manager for Carl Paladino’s failed 2010 bid for Governor of New York.

Paladino was a real gem. He was a member of the Buffalo School Board but was later condemned for racist comments he made about the Obamas and eventually removed from the board for publicly disclosing confidential information obtained in executive session.

Most recently, while working at HHS, Caputo has worked to change scientific reports about COVID-19 that were deemed unflattering to President Misery.

Oh, that’s not to mention, that while at HHS, Caputo has made racist comments about Chinese people in now- deleted tweets and claimed, without evidence, that “there are hit squads being trained all over this country” to mount armed opposition to a second term for President Trump.

And a CNN news story also found that Caputo had repeatedly directed crude and sexist comments toward women in now-deleted tweets. In October 2019, Caputo sent a string of tweets attacking then-Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein at the height of the impeachment inquiry into Trump, calling him a “piece of shit, “a “traitor, “a “scumbag”, and a “seditionist.”

Quite a guy, that Caputo.

Another tidbit about Caputo’s less than sterling background is that while working for Trump in 2014, he ran an “astroturfing” campaign to win Trump’s bid to buy the Buffalo Bills football team. “Astroturfing” is the practice of masking the messages look like they originated not from a potential bidder like Trump but from grassroots participants. The scam didn’t work and Trump was outbid for the fanchise.

I have to go and take a shower now.

Journalist for 40 years and now a creative writer