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Flies and Vice Presidents
“Vincent Price has landed. Internal penetration in five minutes and counting.”
With that report, Vincent Price, the name given to the tiniest and most sophisticated spy drone ever made, and looking like a common house fly, was about to penetrate where no man, woman or machine has dared to or ever wanted to venture, inside the cavernous, mostly hollow echo chamber that is the interior of Vice President Mike Pence’s head.
And it would all be done before an audience of millions around the globe while the wax-like Pence, an intellectual lightweight, and that is being polite, met head on with his nemesis, the brilliant and beautiful, Kamala Harris.
The drone was named after Vincent Price, the famous actor in horror films who starred in the 1958 film, “The Fly,” in which the mad scientist succeeds in transforming himself with the head of a fly while the fly got the head of Price. A perfect fit to name a journey to the Pence unknown and to find out if Pence also has the internal workings of a fly.
Just like his cinematic namesake, Vincent Price the drone was being tasked with the most horrible of challenges, to look into the head of a man who has said he will only be with another woman if his own wife is present. Equally scary are a whole raft of comments made in past months and years by the person who would be president if Trump implodes, including:
His explanation that smoking does not kill because two-thirds of smokers do not die of smoking-related illnesses.
“Time for a quick reality check. Despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn’t kill. In fact, two out of every three smokers does not die from a smoking related illness,” the vice president infamously said.
He also suggested that working women “stunt” their children’s “emotional development” when he said “For years, we have gotten the message from the mouthpieces of the popular culture that you can have it all, career, kids and a two-car garage…Sure, you can have it all, but your day-care kids get the short end of the emotional stick.”
And another example of his broad-ranging wisdom was that Disney’s “Mulan” was evidence that women should not serve in the military.
“Obviously, this is Walt Disney’s attempt to add childhood expectation to the cultural debate over the role of women in the military. I suspect that some mischievous liberal at Disney assumes that Mulan’s story will cause a quiet change in the next generation’s attitude about women in combat…Many young women find many young men to be attractive sexually. Put them together, in close quarters, for long periods of time, and things will get interesting…Moral of the story: women in military, bad idea.”
Additionally, the VPOTUS refused to say whether he believed in evolution or not in exchange with Chris Matthews.
“Do I believe in evolution?” Pence answered. “I embrace the view that God created the heavens and the Earth and the seas and all that’s in them.”
He has discredited condoms as a protection against STDs saying that “frankly, condoms are a very, very poor protection against sexually transmitted diseases.”
And gathering up his analytical skills, he denied global warming and climate change, saying “Global warming is a myth…There, I said it. Just like the ‘new Ice Age’ scare of the 1970s, the environmental movement has found a new chant for their latest ‘Chicken Little’ attempt to raise taxes and grow centralized governmental power. The chant is ‘the sky is warming! the sky is warming!’”
Very scary stuff to encounter, even for a sophisticated fly drone, but the mission was simply too important to cancel.
Vincent Price, the drone, looked remarkably like a simple house fly that had innocently and inadvertently alighted on the vice president’s silvery mop, perhaps seeking a morsel of dandruff. But this was no common Musca domestica house fly or even the Drosophila melanogaster common fruit fly. This was the cutting edge in political espionage and the plan was to uncover future plans being conjured to keep Trump in office.
The plan was to land on the vice president’s head. A probe would emerge, leaving the shell of the “fly” behind to avert suspicion that any Republican might have of political chicanery. The probe would then secretly burrow into the grey matter and once the work was over, would return to the fly shell and leave the unfriendly area.
Vincent Price, the drone, was not alive but then again the vice president has often been accused of being something of an automaton himself, devoid of any authentic or impromptu emotions, with every single thought seemingly mapped out and rehearsed long in advance in much the same way that every single hair on his head is always in perfect place, even in the shower. The drone was markedly different than the vice president in terms of its superior intelligence.
Vincent Price was anything but simple, having taken years of study and millions of dollars donated by George Soros to develop and with various prototypes failing either during the approach, landing or interior filming. And now its maiden voyage was planned before millions of viewers around the globe.
There were many dangers associated with the mission.
It had to land, enter the so-called brain and exit, all within two minutes while everybody, except Pence, was watching. There was a danger of Vincent Price imploding or even exploding on either landing or take-off although there was never really any fear that either possibility could substantively impair the vice president’s thought processes, mild to non-existent as they are.
And a slight flick on the scalp by the vice president could destroy Vincent Price and expose the project. The concern that Pence would actually scratch his head and destroy Vincent Price was considered unlikely because the vice president would not feel the presence of the fly (drone) as he remains in a stupor induced by his unwavering and phony devotion to his fearless leader.
Once inside the cerebral center there was always the risk the sensitive drone would be damaged from banging against the walls of the mostly vacant spaces inside the vice president’s head.
As Vincent Price hovered and then landed, it seemed the mission might have to be aborted before any information was gathered. The problem was that Pence’s hair was plastered down with so much spray that it was almost impenetrable.
But Vincent Price landed and penetrated as planned and what the robotic spy found was not altogether unpredictable, other than brain patterns that could be traced to a dirty magazine with pictures of naked women from Slovenia. Other than that there were some cobwebs, a few gum wrappers and a several pages of an old Boy Scout manual. Disappointingly, Vincent Price found no evidence of any post-Trumpian plans.
And then as quickly as it started, the “fly” was gone and the task was done. Vincent Price emerged and flew away looking for all intents and purposes like any other pesty housefly, destined for Biden central where every piece of information gathered by the drone would be analyzed, scrutinized, homogenized, pasteurized, categorized, materialized, standardized, rationalized, synchronized, crystallized and authorized.
The Biden team has canceled plans to fly Vincent Price into POTUS fearing the comb over would create such a spider’s web of confusion as to make entry impossible and altogether too scary.