https://medium.com/@philgarber/blog

1029blog

Wake Up And Smile

You cannot laugh and it’s very hard to smile while holding your breath and that’s why you don’t hear too much laughter or see too many people squinching their eyes while doubling over in yuks, lately.

However, you can cry while holding your breath and there have been a great many tears shed by breath-holding people in recent weeks, months and years. You can also turn a shade of blue during periods of not breathing and you can see many people with skin that has a bluer shade of pale.

Like many others, I have a slightly blue complexion and I have been holding my breath for nearly four years and I can’t wait to exhale and laugh, laugh, laugh and no longer spend my days cry, cry, crying.

So the last time many people smiled came exactly 1,378 days, 33,081 hours, 1,984,885 minutes and 119,093,155 seconds ago, which coincidentally is the time that has passed since Bone Spurs was inaugurated before the greatest and biggest crowd in the history of his mind.

Speaking of nightmares, my scariest is the one where I am lost somewhere, I don’t know where, and I am surrounded by scary strangers and I know it’s a dream but I can’t wake up until I do really wake up and find that everything is back to normal, whatever that is. The trouble is now I wake up and I feel lost somewhere, I don’t know where and I am surrounded by scary strangers and I can’t wake up from a waking state.

I know someone who actually believes that a vaccine for COVID-19 will magically appear on the day after election day because the pandemic was always just a Democratic hoax, shared all over the world, to get Bone Spurs out of office. While speaking with this person, she seemed no different than yesterday or the day before, she still spoke with the same emotionless voice, her hair was still messy, she was still overweight except for one thing I noticed that I had never seen before, a small bump under her right earlobe. And she had lost her ability to smile, let along guffaw.

And I spoke with other smile- and guffaw-challenged people who also believed in the COVID-19 conspiracy and they also all had a tiny bump under their right earlobes. How the bump got there, I don’t know but it’s there if you take a good look at the next person who believes in the pandemic conspiracy; the pedophile Democrat conspiracy; the deep state conspiracy; the Bin Laden was never actually caught but a twin was killed to make Obama look good conspiracy; the SLAP (Secret Large-scale Atmospheric Program) conspiracy that the contrails from military aircraft contain chemical or biological agents that are slowly killing us; the Sept. 11 conspiracy theory that the attacks were really just very cool holograms; and the Antichrist conspiracy where a leader will supposedly create an oppressive world empire. Well that last one may not be just a theory.

My worry is that after election day all these people with surreptitiously surgically implanted bumps will find they are stuck with the bumps permanently and everyone can see the bumps and identify the politics of everybody which will likely prompt a run on hoodies to cover the bumps under the right earlobes.

Which gets me to Halloween and this has to be the scariest one ever. Not only are we being eaten alive by a viral pandemic and kids have to have their Butterfingers placed under ultraviolet light to kill any possible viral material, but every single, painful, tasteless, humorless, musty, morose, bile producing day I wake up to find that a fat guy with no manners, no brains and not a nice bone in his body, is still president.

I drive by a house every morning that we call the “Ridiculous House” because it is festooned with skeletons, ghosts, goblins, cobwebs, witches and every other kind of sign for Halloween and it’s fun. But next door is the spookiest sight imaginable, an oversized, flatulent-producing Trump 2020 banner. Now that scares the Heebie-jeebies and the poop and pee out of me, and it gives me the willies and the whim whams whenever I see it and it’s not fun and I drive by as fast as I can without hurting anyone.

When I was a kid, it was always a kick to see the costumes of the other kids because they all depicted something fantastic, like Superman, or James Comey or something frightening, like a blood-dripping zombie or Richard Nixon. I expect there will be many children dressed up like the round COVID-19 thing with the spikes sticking out of it. Could be very funny.

But anyone who dresses up like Trump this year should be arrested for impugning the good name of Halloween. It would be like dressing up like a Jewish prisoner at Auschwitz, not funny. In fact, nothing about Trump is funny or even approaching minor glee and that is a big problem because as they say, laughter is the nectar of the gods and without it things would get even worse, if that’s possible.

It’s like opening up my lunch box every day and finding a liver and onion on white bread with mustard and a small container of fruit jello for dessert or learning that the votes have been tallied and the newest class president is the guy who knocks my books out of my hands every morning and has managed to extend the class president term to four years and even though he is a senior, he’s not going anywhere because he is too dumb to graduate.

So listen up, everybody, come hell or high water, flood or hurricane, famine or locusts stop you from voting next Wednesday. Is that right?

Trust me, we will all wake up on Nov. 4 or Dec. 4 or Jan. 4 to find we have awakened from the nightmare and there will be a return to normal breathing, laughing and smiling, with people drunk and dancing in the streets, at least until 2024.

One final comment about Trump. He is what the Chinese call 你是一个失败者 or Nǐ shì yīgè shībài zhě, loosely translated as a loser.

You can spot a loser if you can count on your fingers how many times he’s apologized; His own loved ones warn you to run; He’s controlling; He’s a chronic liar; He never asks you how you are doing; and all of his friends are falling off the face of the earth. Fits Bone Spurs to a tee. Would you date anyone with any or all of these fine attributes? If the answer is yes, check the area below your left earlobe.

And in these final moments of the nightmare, be careful because the worst animal is the one who has been wounded and cornered.

Won’t it be grand to have a winner in the White House.