I Hope They Don’t Find Out
The Real Me
Eric Clapton, one of the greatest rock guitarists ever, once said in an interview that his greatest performing fear was that people would find out that he really didn’t have much talent. Naomi Osaka, the number one ranked woman tennis player in the world and the athlete who makes more money in one year than any other athlete, said the other day that she thinks she’s never good enough.
Tom Hanks said in a 2016 interview, “No matter what we’ve done, there comes a point where you think, ‘How did I get here? When are they going to discover that I am, in fact, a fraud and take everything away from me?’”
Now, I couldn’t even hold Eric Clapton’s capo and never in a million matches could I return even one of Osaka’s serves and the only thing that Tom Hanks and I have in common is the way we pee, but I have felt those same feelings of inadequacy and now I know there is a name to it, it’s something that effects many people, the “impostor syndrome,” a concept that was coined in a 1978 article by two Georgia State University psychologists who found a greater prevalence of the syndrome in high-achieving women.
With me, it’s a feeling that people read my writing because they either have nothing better to do or they’ve accidentally opened my blog email. The fear is that I will be exposed as nothing more than a mimic who knows how to Google and that sooner or later, my small world of readers will know that what I say really isn’t that clever or important and that other people have said it all, in much clearer, logical and poetic ways. I feel like I come across as quite knowledgeable and intelligent, but that could all disintegrate if people knew the real me, that I have been practicing a grand case of barratry and the hoax would be over. And even if my work meets my low expectations, I know that the next time may be the last time I can pull a fast one over the readers.
One day I will approach the keyboard and face the fact that I have absolutely nothing worthwhile to say and I will stand naked and defenseless to the world, something like the recurring nightmare of being in a very public place and realizing I forgot my pants.
That is one impact of imposter syndrome but it also drives me to try to write that one perfect blog, that nobody will challenge its perfection but that until then I have to hide behind this veil that obscures the real and untalented me. Impostor syndrome causes people to constantly compare themselves with others but it’s a perverse situation because if so many people are infected with imposter syndrome than there are very few real artists and therefore, the imposter really don’t have to worry about being exposed because most of us are too busy being imposters. I think the best way to deal with imposter syndrome is to focus on my strengths, my successes even if I see myself as a poseur.
A story in Psychology Today reported that 25 to 30 percent of high achievers may suffer from imposter syndrome and that 70 percent of adults may experience the syndrome at least once in their lifetime. I wouldn’t be so quick to expose these feelings of inadequacy but I feel like I am in good company. A study by Touro University Worldwide interviewed celebrities who admitted to having a bad case of imposter syndrome.
Kate Winslet, one of the finest actors of her generation, said, “Sometimes I wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot, and I think, I can’t do this. I’m a fraud. I’m there thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m rubbish and everyone is going to see it. They’ve cast the wrong person.’”
Natalie Portman has won an Academy Award and two Golden Globes and she said she feels much like she did when she enrolled in Harvard University in 1999 and had begun acting.
“I felt like there had been some mistake, that I wasn’t smart enough to be in this company, and that every time I opened my mouth I would have to prove that I wasn’t just a dumb actress,” Portman said.
Emma Watson, one of the highest paid actresses in the world known to millions for her role as Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter film series, said in a 2013 interview that she feared that “Any moment, someone’s going to find out I’m a total fraud, and that I don’t deserve any of what I’ve achieved.”
The great Jodie Foster, winner of two Oscars, said she thought winning an Oscar was a “fluke” and that one day, “They’d come to my house, knocking on the door, ‘Excuse me, we meant to give that to someone else. That was going to Meryl Streep.’ “
But even Meryl Streep, winner of three Academy Awards, has the confidence willies.
“You think, ‘Why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? And I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?” Streep said in a 2002 interview.