I’m Sorry

The following is a fictional letter written from Donald Trump to Joe Biden following Biden’s election as president in 2020.

Dear Joe:

It’s 3 a.m. and lonely up here in the White House. Melania and I haven’t been getting along very well. As you probably know, we have separate bedrooms. Did someone say sex? What is that?

As a matter of fact, Melania and I have never gotten along but that’s for another time.

I’m looking out at the Potomac and it is a beautiful sight. The full moon glistens off the water and I can hear a mournful train whistle in the distance. It really is something. I wish I had someone to share these exquisite moments with but perhaps after I leave office I’ll meet the soul mate squeeze of my life.

First I want to offer you my warmest congratulations. It was a long, hard campaign but you kept it above board and clean and I truly appreciate that. I know that at times my campaign may have gone somewhat low and for that I am sorry.

I have to say that I will miss this place. It can be the grandest place in the world and the loneliest place. I tried to do the right thing in the best way I knew.

I said some things I regret and took more than a few executive actions than I should have. I was much too hard on immigrants and it is only now, in the twilight of my time in office, that I realize how much pain I caused and how important immigration is to the soul of our nation.

As far as being too critical, I am totally guilty of criticizing anything and everything that your good friend Barack Obama did while he was in office. I didn’t acknowledge the wonderful progress that Barack made in the areas of civil rights including LBGTQ rights, employee protection, environmental safeguards, his actions in the international arena and of course, health care.

I bashed Obamacare every which way I could but I never meant a word of it. To tell you the truth I never understood Obamacare but if I sounded supportive, my base would have skinned me alive and drummed me out of office.

Of course I couldn’t say it while in office, but Barack was my idol. I known it didn’t look that way, from the things I did. But that was all politics. I am talking from the heart. Yes, maybe I was a bit jealous of Barack. I know he is a brilliant man and frankly, people think I’m a dodo. That did rub me the wrong way but well, I confess, maybe I am a dodo.

If I could change some of the things I did, I would first back off from the wall. I know, I know, it was a stupid idea from the start and I knew I would never get Mexico to pay for it. But hey, it got me elected.

And I blew it big time by pulling the U.S. out of the international global accords. I now understand the importance of sustainability and cutting way back toward eliminating the use of fossil fuels. OK, I’m a slow learner, so shoot me. Climate change is not a hoax and it is the most important single issue facing the planet. There, I said it.

As for that situation in Virginia. Boy did I screw that up. I came off sounding like I support Hitler. I regret having fueled the flames of anti-Semitism. The blood is on my hands and I accept responsibility.

And no I never really did see hundreds of Muslims on the roof of a building in Jersey City cheering for the 9/11 attackers. I didn’t go to ground zero and for Pete’s sake, I know Barack is a U.S. citizen. And I might add that I never really believed that Clorox can kill the coronavirus. Do you think I am that dumb? Don’t answer.

And speaking of Jews, yes, it was a really, really dumb move to name Jared to lead the Israeli peace talks. Jared is a dumb as doorknob, if that wasn’t apparent. But I figured he’s family and I trust him. Bad move. I should have put him in charge of music at the White House. He couldn’t have screwed that up. Well, maybe he could have.

I am aware of my flaws and one of them is that I come off as a stupid, rich brat who cares only about lining his own pockets. Yes that is the Donald Trump of yesterday. But today I am a truly reformed man and to show it I am giving away my entire fortune to the Bill Gates Foundation. Don’t get too excited. My fortune is probably rather limited with the exaggerations and bad financial moves I made through the years.

I am sorry and I apologize for calling you Sleepy Joe and Sleepy Creepy Joe and for inferring that you have dementia.

OK, so here are more mea culpas that I offer with head bowed and a request for forgiveness:

I’m sorry I disrespected John McCain, a disabled reporter, the parents of a dead soldier, Mitt Romney, I actually weigh 265 pounds and most of all I apologize from the bottom of my heart for the way I treated Hillary. Oh and did I mention, for the record, that yes, I colluded with Russia.

So Joe, I offer my congratulations and my hopes for you as you enter the role of leader of the free world. And first and foremost, I hope you can undo the incredible mess I have left you.

Don

Ok, so this was not real and it remains to be seen if Trump can be dignified in the traditional letter offered by the outgoing president to the president-elect.

For historical perspective, here are the letters from Obama to Trump; and from presidents George W. Bush to Obama; Bill Clinton to George W. Bush; and George H.W. Bush to Clinton.

Here is how Obama put it:

Dear Mr. President -

Congratulations on a remarkable run. Millions have placed their hopes in you, and all of us, regardless of party, should hope for expanded prosperity and security during your tenure.

This is a unique office, without a clear blueprint for success, so I don’t know that any advice from me will be particularly helpful. Still, let me offer a few reflections from the past 8 years.

First, we’ve both been blessed, in different ways, with great good fortune. Not everyone is so lucky. It’s up to us to do everything we can (to) build more ladders of success for every child and family that’s willing to work hard.

Second, American leadership in this world really is indispensable. It’s up to us, through action and example, to sustain the international order that’s expanded steadily since the end of the Cold War, and upon which our own wealth and safety depend.

Third, we are just temporary occupants of this office. That makes us guardians of those democratic institutions and traditions — like rule of law, separation of powers, equal protection and civil liberties — that our forebears fought and bled for. Regardless of the push and pull of daily politics, it’s up to us to leave those instruments of our democracy at least as strong as we found them.

And finally, take time, in the rush of events and responsibilities, for friends and family. They’ll get you through the inevitable rough patches.

Michelle and I wish you and Melania the very best as you embark on this great adventure, and know that we stand ready to help in any ways which we can.

Good luck and Godspeed,

BO

From George W. Bush to Obama;

Dear Barack,

Congratulations on becoming our President. You have just begun a fantastic chapter in your life.

Very few have had the honor of knowing the responsibility you now feel. Very few know the excitement of the moment and the challenges you will face.

There will be trying moments. The critics will rage. Your “friends” will disappoint you. But, you will have an Almighty God to comfort you, a family who loves you, and a country that is pulling for you, including me. No matter what comes, you will be inspired by the character and compassion of the people you now lead.

God bless you.

Sincerely,

GW

And from Clinton to George W. Bush:

Dear George,

Today you embark on the greatest venture, with the greatest honor, that can come to an American citizen.

Like me, you are especially fortunate to lead our country in a time of profound and largely positive change, when old questions, not just about the role of government, but about the very nature of our nation, must be answered anew.

You lead a proud, decent, good people. And from this day you are President of all of us. I salute you and wish you success and much happiness.

The burdens you now shoulder are great but often exaggerated. The sheer joy of doing what you believe is right is inexpressible.

My prayers are with you and your family. Godspeed.

Sincerely, Bill

And from George H.W. Bush to Clinton:

Dear Bill,

When I walked into this office just now I felt the same sense of wonder and respect that I felt four years ago. I know you will feel that, too.

I wish you great happiness here. I never felt the loneliness some Presidents have described.

There will be very tough times, made even more difficult by criticism you may not think is fair. I’m not a very good one to give advice; but just don’t let the critics discourage you or push you off course.

You will be our President when you read this note. I wish you well. I wish your family well.

Your success now is our country’s success. I am rooting hard for you.

Good Luck — George.