Love Letter to a Sister

My sister is four years older than I am. I am 70 and she is 74. We have a combined 144 years on the planet and I am finally writing the love letter to her that I should have written long, long ago.

Better late than never, they say.

Every time I have wanted to speak the words, I have come upon a thick, brick wall that seemed too high to climb or too difficult to get over. Rather than get caught up and twisted up and ripped up, I chose to withdraw and run. It seemed much easier that way although that attitude has only made our isolation from each other grow. It is one of the great and painful regrets of my life.

We are of the same blood although at times it seems we have each done all we could to deny that fact. But it cannot be denied or undone any more than once a bell rings it can be unrung. Despite what we do or say, we are and always will be connected, something that is unique and should be a source of great wonder and pride. That bond will never change though we’ve each done plenty over the years to deny it.

For too many years, it seems we were frozen in time and chained to the difficult years when we both were adrift in a storm that we did not create and neither knew how to toss the other a life raft, even if it felt at times that we were drowning. Blame was our default position and it never worked. Neither knew where to find the key to unlock the chains though undoubtedly we each wanted that, even if we couldn’t say it to each other. Of course, the key always was there in plain view if we had the courage to open our eyes and hearts.

We lived in the same home with parallel lives that rarely seemed to cross. It often seemed that we lived in different worlds as we tried to maneuver through our peculiar confusions of life.

You are kind, bright and have a great smile. I would have liked to have seen your smile much more and been able to return that smile. I lost out on sharing your successes and sorrows as you were unable to share mine. We squandered a lifetime of opportunities. How much richer it could have been.

Life would have been so much easier, fulfilling and fun if we were able to laugh together, grow together and simply share our experiences. For reasons I will never understand, that did not happen very often as our own worries spiraled out of our control.

We shared the greatest sadness that children can share when our father died. We were both young and devastated by the loss or our champion. Perhaps that set the stage for what would come to pass. Perhaps neither of us knew what to do or how to fill the great hole in our souls that had been created. Our mother had her own grief to consider, our brother was essentially gone from the family. All we had was each other and we did not know how nor did we have the ability to, open up our hearts to the other.

Now after nearly three quarters of a century I can say that I love you. I know that has not come through in the past as we have been more like warriors than brother and sister. Who knows why or when that started but it did.

We each moved on and built lives. I recall happier moments when we played tennis or when you joked about my singing voice. The happiest and proudest I have seen you has been with your children and grand-children. They bring a freshness that is unencumbered by the past and a love that is unquestioned.

Perhaps we did not listen to each other and instead only wanted our own points of view to be heard. Perhaps if I had listened more I could have heard your pain and been able to offer you comfort from what seemed to be an unending storm. Families should support each other and provide a buffer from troubles and a cheering squad for victories.

I know you have had a rich life, with much happiness and sadness. You have faced obstacles and somehow persevered. I also have been through many things, some sad and many wonderful. It is not too late to share these things although even writing the words creates a tightness in my chest and a sadness in my heart.

Will this change anything? Maybe. I hope that you hear my words and understand my feelings toward you. Through it all, we are both still standing and that has to say something.