Ostrich legs, anybody?

Eureka.

We’ve found the cure for COVID-19.

I spoke with my doctor and he said it’s a combination of shrimp skins, feet of ostrich and a sprinkling of fairy dust. That’s pretty much what President Trump said, so it must be right.

I have a better cure: An overabundance of nicotine and chocolate. Thank you Woody Allen, thank you donald trump.

Damn. I was just reading about plans by Johnson & Johnson to develop a COVID 19 virus “at warp speed,” and then pump out 1 billion doses. Then the paywall came up so I don’t know when “warp speed” begins.

So I may have a disease that started with bats in China. I called my doctor after getting worried because I was really tired and feeling shortness of breath.

He told me I may have COVID-19. I asked what I should do. He said, “nothing,” just get plenty of rest, stay well-hydrated and take acetaminophen. to reduce aches and pains and fever. In other words, take two aspirins and call me in the morning if the symptoms get worse, like if I can’t take a step without struggling to catch my breath.

I felt lousy on Friday. But on Saturday, the symptoms were gone and I figure I was over it and was now immune to COVID-19. Then on sunday, I felt lousy again.

I can’t be sick. I have fields to plow, crops to plant and cows to care for. Without me it all goes to hell. I hate those bats.

Not really. I’m a writer not a farmer. At least I have unemployment, unlike the ailing farmers.

I can’t wait for it to end so I don’t have to wave at every car that goes by. I want that old familiar Jersey salute.

Maybe I’ll just stay in bed all day. After all, I may be sick. Nobody could blame me, except for that little voice in my mind.

As for the feet of ostrich, how about a dose of chloroquine or hydroxychloroquine. Trump has a hunch the two drugs can fight COVID-19. I have a sneaking suspicion that Johnson & Johnson and other members of big Pharma would be producing chloroquine or hydroxychloroquine by the billions, if they worked.

Apart from presidential hunches, a March report by Harvard Medical School said the two drugs have been available for decades to treat other illnesses.

Both drugs are “perfectly safe” and are also cheap, already available at local drug stores, and relatively free of side effects. But there is that nagging question of whether either drug can stop COVID-19.

The report said there is “strong evidence” that both drugs kill the COVID-19 virus in the laboratory dish.

“But do the drugs work in people with COVID-19? Many studies are underway to get an answer to this question, but as of March 24, 2020, only two have issued preliminary results,” the report said.

One report that was published in China in February claimed that chloroquine helped inhibit worsening of pneumonia, improving lung imaging findings, eliminating the virus from the body, and shortening the duration of the disease.

“These claims are exciting. However, the report provided virtually no evidence in support of the claims,” the Harvard report said.

Another study conducted by a group of scientists in southern France, compared 26 patients who received hydroxychloroquine to 16 who did not. After six days, the virus was gone in 70 percent of those given the hydroxychloroquine treatment, compared to only 12.5 percent of those who weren’t.

“The drug appeared to be as effective in the sickest patients as in the least sick, but the study was too small to be sure about that. The study also was too small to say that people who received the treatment were protected against a prolonged illness or death” the Harvard report said.

Harvard Medical School reported that there are many studies underway, and more solid answers should be available within a few months.