Other Than Hemorrhoidds,
All of the Answers (Or Most of Them)
I have found the answer to every one of the world’s problems, well, not every one but a lot of them, excluding hemorrhoids, which remains one of the great and painful mysteries of nature.
This is it. I believe that we never understand the person we are hiring, becoming our friend, dating, marrying or joining in a business involving retail pool supplies. And the reason we don’t understand them is that nobody is going to be honest about who they are because they fear if they are honest, that from the blocks, they will be told the position has been filled by an immigrant from Ukraine, a promising friendship with that self-same immigrant, the dating calendar is just too filled with dates with people from Ukraine, marriage is out of the question ever since you met that special person from Ukraine and as far as that business involving retail pool supplies, yes, the entrepreneur from Ukraine shows much more promise, when the real reason is that the potential employer, friend, spouse, business partner just doesn’t know the real you and how can anyone make a rational decision without all of the facts. He or she can’t.
So the solution is breathtaking and brilliant in its simplicity and it is something like the Truman Show where the main character, played by Jim Carrey, doesn’t know that his entire existence is being filmed and shown all over so that nothing is spontaneous and nothing is as it seems. But my idea is a little different as I would install tiny, unobtrusive cameras in hidden areas throughout the nation and possibly the world, in homes or apartments or other living quarters of the potential friend, mate, boyfriend or girlfriend or business partner. Similar types of cameras will have been installed around the world so everyone knows that there is a camera watching and recording, 24–7, his or her every movement and in time, people don’t even think about the tiny, unobtrusive cameras and they begin to act totally themselves and this is where it gets good.
We will see how the person treats his or her pets and whether he even has any and an absence of pets or kicking pets repeatedly or throwing pets down stairs on most evenings are sure signs that a person is afraid to get close to anyone and therefore probably not a good candidate for friend, lover, spouse or employee. Next, you will see the television shows the person prefers and if there is even one time watching reality television, anything with either the Kardashians or Caitlyn Jenner or even one of the Rambo sequels, the candidate is summarily rejected, no questions asked and never call again. Likewise, tastes in music will be apparent and causes for immediate rejection include anything by Abba, the Fifth Dimension, Christian pop, K-Pop, Gothic metal, Pagan metal, National Socialist black metal, Death ’n’ Roll, Death doom, drone metal, Nintendocore or the Carpenters. Conversely, a person who has even one or preferably all of John Prime’s albums, Highway 61 Revisited or preferably all of Dylan’s albums and anything by John Cage will be immediately hired, friended, joined in matrimony or made a full business partner or all.
So now we know the person’s cultural values pretty well and let’s move on to religious values as in does the person sacrifice any type of living creature for religious purposes, does he or she worship in megachurches where preachers who exude only white preach hate and anti-vaccine, does the prospective friend, lover, business partner or spouse tend to proselytize while inferring that he or she has the only real answers, even if he heard them from the megachurch preacher and is he or she a believer in incantations, hocus pocus, mumbo jumbo, wizardry, voodoo dolls, QAnon or Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Now we get down to the real nitty-gritty and politics and whether there is even the slightest hint of “he who shall not be named” and is best described as “Sgt. Bone Spurs,” “The Bad Hair Man” or simply “Liar, Liar Pants on Fire” man or any of his servants including Ted Cruz, Kevin McCarthy, Steve Scalise or Clarence Thomas. Hear any rumbling related to the aforementioned means banishment forever.
Relationships with family are also quite telling as in does the husband taunt the wife with unfulfilled promises to make necessary repairs, does the wife taunt the husband with empty promises of intercourse or anything related to sex, does either spouse taunt children with the promise of heaven right here on earth if they only work hard, worship the right God and clearly reject all racial, cultural or religious types different than them while making a lot of money.
By the way, any sign of support of any or all of the following is cause for rejection, including talk about Andrew Johnson, the lines on Keith Richards’ face, replacement theory, My Pillow, Joba Chamberlain, or the 1989 New York Yankees, a team that finished in fifth place with a 74–87 record and had such forgettables as Greg Cadaret; John Candelaria; Chuck Cary; Dave LaPoint; and Dale Mohorcic; or the 1966 Yankees which finished a franchise worst 70–89 record, finished in 10th place for the first time since 1912 and on Sept. 22, had only 413 paid fans to watch the Yankees and the White Sox.
There’s the answer and now get to work.